By Richard Lederer
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
When they drop the ball in Times Square, it’s a nice reminder of what I did all year. So for this year, I’m making New Year’s resolutions not to drop the ball:
- My New Year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to “Auld Lang Syne.”
- My resolution is to take all the Christmas lights down by Easter.
- My resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way I can succeed at something.
- Another resolution I can actually keep is I resolve not to diet all year long.
- My resolution is to help all my friends gain 10 pounds so I look skinnier and to lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.
- My resolution is to read more, so I’m going to put up the subtitles on my television screen.
- My resolution is to stop repeating myself again and again and again.
- My resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
- and from me, your punstruck columnist: My Gnu Year’s resolution is to tell ewe a gazelleon times how much I caribou ewe, deer. Llama wildebeest of a punster, and you’re thinking, “Unicorniest fellow I’ve ever met!” but I’m not out to buffalo or a llama ewe, so Alpaca bag and hightail it out of here.
Christmas was over, and Santa Claus and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. They had done a good job, and they deserved it. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. It wasn’t his glowing red nose that he wanted changed. He was proud of that nose and the help he and it had given to Santa. No, he was sensitive about his long ears, which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or rabbit for that matter. So one week after Christmas, Rudolph’s doctor performed the surgery, and since that time, January 1 has been known as New Ears Day.
Or as other animals would say it:
from a puppy: “Yappy, Lappy New Year!”; a cat: “Happy Mew Year!”; a turtle: “Snappy New Year!”;
a skunk: “Happy Eeeeeewww Year!”; a duck: “Quacky New Year!”; a bull: “Happy Moo Steer!”;
a large water beast: “Hippo New Year!”; an antelope: “Happy Gnu Deer!”; a kangaroo, a frog, a toad, and a bunny: “Hoppy New Year!”
from an expecting wildebeest: Happy Gnu Year!
Here are the ways people in various jobs wish you the start of the year:
a lumberjack: “Choppy New Year!”; a hip hop artist: “Rappy New Year!”; a maple syrup seller: “Sappy New Year!”;
a cartographer: “Mappy New Year!”; a laser gunner: “Zappy New Year!” a detective: “Happy Clue Year!”;
a cobbler: “Happy Shoe Year!”; a sea captain: “Happy Crew Year!”; a lawyer: “Happy Sue Year!”;
a surfer: “Happy Dude Year!”; a priest: “Happy Pew Year!”; a job counselor: “Happy New Career!”;
a mechanic: “Happy Lube Gear!”; a hip-hop artist: Rappy New Year! a bartender: Happy New Beer!
a detective: Happy Clue Year! a jet pilot: Happy Flew Lear! a Greek mythologist: Harpy New Year!
a men’s clothier: Natty New Year! a TV critic: Happy Viewed Year! a pirate: Happy Blue Beard!
Dr. Richard Lederer is the author of more than 50 books about language, history and humor, including his newest book, “The Joy of Names.” To order signed copies, explore his website, verbivore.com or write him at email@example.com